that little girl who blogged ... : CONFESSIONS OF A SOLIVAGANT

¹so·liv·a·gant

noun \sōˈlivəgənt\

: a solitary wanderer

... flashback, throwback .. sunday! :)

On my last morning in Ubud, I woke up because of the roosters cock-a-doodle-ing at 4 am! I stayed awake tossing and turning in my bed until they finally mellowed at around 7 am but in my mind, for that 3 hours I was awake, na labag sa loob ko, I wanted to just get up go out to the balcony (overlooking the rice fields) and scream at the roosters to stop it already! Shizz! I can't even remember when was the last time I was awaken by roosters! Haha!

Well ..

it's been a little over a month since Bali happened but I'm still having a hangover from that trip. It was only for 3 days but it was just the most awesome of awesomes of all the ME times I've had and although there were moments during the trip when I met people who made me feel sad for being alone, which by the way sucks, I just had to just suck it up and move on .. alone. hahaha!

I also had to forego of my trust issues the minute I stepped out of the plane when it landed in Bali and believe in the good that is around me. I will have to protect myself from the bad guys, but to also remember that not everyone is out there to take advantage of a little girl playing smart trying to get lost on purpose.

When a young couple fetched me from the airport, bought me a KFC burger to eat on our way to the hotel (that I happily and hungrily gobbled up with a very slight hint of uh-oh! this could be trap food) ..When I took an offer for a driver to take me around Ubud, to the outskirts of town, to the places which are not included in my pre-trip research .. When I asked the owner of the B&B to fetch me after I had a mojito and as sleepy and tired as I was, I had keep up a conversation with him because I didn't want to doze of in his car .. When I rode a cab back to the hotel at 11 pm and the driver took a wrong turn insisting on taking that very dark unfamiliar street that when we finally reached dead end and he just said "Sorry wrong way", I just rolled my eyes and said, "I told you" while I was holding on to my uhm .. nail cutter which was my weapon of choice, coz I had no other choice (hum, i can use my camera I guess?) -- these are those times when I had to believe that these people are good, reliable and honest.

And there were those instances where I had my heart broken again .. err, savings account broken pala -- I spent way beyond my budget. Waaaaaay beyond because unexpected, sometimes tempting things happen along the way -- like the cost of transportation that I did not anticipate, too much good food (which I really enjoyed guilt-free tho), cheap thrills that I took advantage off, a road trip offer that I cannot refuse .. and oh ya, the terminal fee at the airport which I was not prepared for because I failed to do my research on that part -- and this was the part I realized that I cannot be left alone for a long period, not because I won't survive it but for the reason of overspending when I go "bahala na!" "ngayon lang naman, masaya naman ako eh!" "tipid nalang ako next month"! Hahaha! I need someone to, in a way control me or else, I'd just go all the way everyday! Sighhhh! I guess I've had too much alone times already huh? Haha!

And then I discovered something else!

There is a certain charm on being a solo traveller -- you become interesting to the locals and travellers, which is good, because thats how you meet new people along the way and build relationships. Being seen alone makes you an object of their attention and curiosity. On several occasions, I had people walk up to me just to strike up a conversation. I didn't know, baka naman pala mukha akong nawawala at kawawa but nonetheless it was so random and it was amusing .. and I actually didn't mind talking to them because it fed that culture vore in me. Although at times, I had to make up stories for my safety's sake, hehe .. I actually even brought with me a book as props! You know, just in case it would be too awkward to be alone already but I still wanted to look cool, calm and chill! haha! But I didn't have the chance to even take it out of my bag during the trip .. I don't even know what the book is about really! Haha.

But im still deliberating wheter thats really part of the solo wanderers charm .. or .. you know .. maybe, it was just, you know .. uhm, me? .. the charm .. hihi. haha!

Being able to push through with this trip is already a proud moment in itself .. but behind the scenes of those pictures I posted and on my Facebook and instagram page and in my travel diary post are the overload of emojis, patting my own back and a round of applause to myself.

During those occasions where I had to figure out how to get from one place to another without a map (yep, i travelled without a map .. not even google maps!) -- I gave myself 3 fist bumps every time .. those random conversations and encounters with the locals and other tourists while I answered the question "Why are you alone?" then they seem to be amazed (or was it a "whatever!"? I really can't tell, haha!) -- but that still made me do imaginary cartwheels in my head -- or that time I went surfing, I had to take a quick refresher lesson with 3 other guys who were first-timers and the instructor asked if I could show them how to stand on the board (which I proudly did!) and during the actual surf was able to paddle out, catch a wave, get up and balance on the board more than they could -- I high-fived my kick-ass surfer girl self for that!

But then, I didn't get to be friends with those guys after I got hit on the head with one of their boards and I yelled, while giving him a very furious look "HEY! YOUR BOARD!" then after that while I was still dizzy, giddy and all but I was still able to carry my board and paddle out -- they just didn't want anything to do with me anymore! Hahaha! I was even hoping to introduce the Japanese dude to Vanessa and the other two Caucasians to my other single friends! Alas! My fierce outtake made a wrong impression I guess!

Anyway ...

Those online quotes say it, its mentioned a lot of times in those articles and lists posted on buzz feed or elite daily (coz I believe in those lists remember? haha) -- Solo travelling makes you know yourself better .. But how? why? Here's why I think how and why .. because most of the time, you talk to yourself. Communication. The key to every successful relationship and thats what happens when you are alone, you build that connection with yourself by well, talking to yourself. You ask questions and then answer them at the same time -- what time to get up, where to go, what to eat, what to do .. you agree and disagree about which direction to take. There are those arguments on what souvenirs to buy for your demanding friends or why did you say yes when the driver offered that motorbike ride and when you realize that you shouldn't have booked that hotel because it was 15 minutes away from the beach, there is no one else to blame but you! ..

Then as you get to know that person, you learn to trust. As you go through those challenging times together, you give that person the respect he/she deserves. While you find yourself smiling and feeling "kilig", the more that you appreciate that persons worth. As you discover each day how amazing that person is, you just can't help but fall in love ...

You fall in love with yourself.

And all these, will make you realize that being a solivagant once in your life is worth the risk!

And as for me ..

Bali ..

was worth all of it :)